My Worst Pain

I am not the kind of guy who would definitely be offended by insulting comments – I take them as mere jokes and let them go. As a kid, I was very aggressive. I used to pick up fights now and then, but I was not a bully. I didn’t pick fights to bully someone else, but because they really offended me. As I grew up, I learned that these fights gave me nothing but pain and a bad reputation. I was not so proud of my acts myself either. Hence I left the path and slowly started calming myself. I led myself to be obsessed with one thing or the other to forget all the harsh times and comments and forgive all those offenders. I really did. From that time onwards, I was never disturbed by anyone’s comments because I believed in myself more than anyone else.

This situation was changed slowly by my entry into puberty. Those mixed expressions and complex emotions. I myself didn’t even know why I suddenly felt angry at something or someone. However I controlled myself by treating myself to the various adventures in life. My mom saw that those days were spent mostly in solitude so I was admitted to an art school, then music and then swimming classes. I kept busy with them so I usually adapted myself to social occasions and never really felt troubled thereafter.

Slowly, in my school, I came closer to friends. And this time there was a girl I had a crush on. I won’t describe about my experience of first crush, it is a widely common topic in the internet these days.

So, I went on and on, never really paid attention to what was inside me. I was in seventh grade when I thought to express my feelings for the girl. This was not an easy commitment and was not just of myself completely. This was brought about by communication, I don’t know why but that girl seemed to like me and even added me in her social circles. Even my friends thought that we had a thing for each-other. Then her news of being in a relationship came out. I didn’t know what to comment. But I passed.

On one side, her rumours came stronger that even I believed those were true and on the other side, we were growing closer. A time came when I was confused by myself as whom I could trust – my observations and personal experience or the widely accepted norms by everyone.

One day, my heart broke. This is the most beautiful pain I’ve ever felt. This was not of anxiety or stress but of relief, relief in the sense that I had got my answer. I still couldn’t believe it, but it was true. I was waiting for her to answer but there was no reply. I was revolving around the same pathway for too long. Then, some things happened, and I sort of gave up.

Do you want to know what her reply was that led me to break off from such a close relation? It was totally metamorphic. She simply compared her then boyfriend with oxygen. I thought Wow! How can one be just to cynical to dispose of such a connection?” It was too hard for me to live for a few days. Maybe it was because I had made my whole world in her – my present and future. This was my painful yet relieving story.

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